A TREASURY OF JOKES
Legal Eagles
Judge to defendant:"Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?"
Defendant:No,Your Honour. My lawyer took my last dollar."
Check Mated!

An elderly man,married almost 45 years, returned home one afternoon to find his wife packing. "What are you doing?' he asked."I can't stand it any more!" she cried,"All the years of fighting,arguing,bickering-I'm leaving."
He stood there for a minute,bewildered,watching her struggle through the door with her packed suitcases. He then ran into the bedroom and snatched a suitcase from the shelf.
"Wait a minute,"he cried."I can't stand it any more either.I'm going with you." G.R.P

She came into the room with her scalp bristling in pink plastic curlers. He said,"What happened to your head?"
She said,"I set it."
He said,"What time does it go off?" Audrey Ross

Two men,who'd not seen each other for years,met on the street."Tell me now,"said one,"did you ever marry?"
"Ah,yes,"the other replied."My wife's an angel."
"You're a lucky man,"said the first. "Mine's still with me." Bernard Wichman

"I just walked out on my wife,"a man said to his pal."How did she take it?" his friend asked.
"Iit's funny,"the fellow replied."You lived with someone for years but you never really know them.I had no idea she could sing and turn cart-wheels at the same time." Dick Browne

First man at bar: "My wife doesn't appreciate me.Does yours?"
Second man at bar: "I wouldn't know.I've never heard her mention your name." T.L

Husband to wife:"You're always nagging me about my golf.It's driving me mad."
Wife: "It wouldn't be a drive------just a short putt." Harry Leech,Australia

Wife: "Donald,when was the last time we received a letter from our son?"
Husband: "Just a second,honey,I'll go look in the cheque book."Die Weltwoche

"My wife has lost her credit card,"the man told to his friend.
"Have you informed the bank?"
"No,the thief is spending much less than she does!" Mirjam Neumann,Brazil

Two men were talking.Said the first,"I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."
"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well,the programme said'Act II-one year later,'and I couldn't wait." Mildred Sibert

A married couple,both avid golfers,were discussing the future one night."Darling",the wife said,"if I were to die and you were to remarry,would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so--it' paid for."
"How about our car?"continued the woman.
"I suppose so--it's paid for."

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Labels: From book
Jokes

Wife to husband:"Charlie,I am warning you about your hours.The night before last,you came home yesterday.Last night,you came home today.This evening,if you came home tomorrow,I won't be here." G.Y

Adam and Eve were in different parts of the Garden of Eden when the Lord commanded Adam to go and squeeze Eve's hand.
"What's a squeeze,Lord?"Adam asked.
The Lord explained,and Adam went and squeezed Eve's hand.Then the Lord told Adam to kiss Eve.Again,Adam was confused and asked for an explanation,which was given.And Adam went off and kissed Eve.
Then came the command for Adam to go forth and multiply.Before long,Adam was back."Lord,"he asked,"what's a headache?" L.B

A man was dragged to a concert by his wife.A half-hour after it began,he felt an elbow nudge him in th eside."What an outrage,"his wife murmured."The person in front of us is asleep!"
"You woke me up to tell me that?" Monique Putman

"when I die,"said the ruch old man bravely to his young wife,"I want you to get married again." "Don't talk that way,"she said.
"I want you to give him all my clothes so he can look great when he takes you out,"he said."Don't go on like this,"she cried."It's impossible." "Why impossible?" he asked. "Because," she explained,"you wear a size 14 shirt,whereas he would need at least a 17." A.T

Newlywed to his friend:"For the first week,I talked and my wife listened.The second week,she talked and I listened.Now we both talk,and our neighbours listen."

Heard the One About?
Jacob was digging a well in the Israeli desert and he discovered a casket containing a mummy.After examing the artifact,he excitedly called the curator of a museum in Jerusalem."I've found the body of a three-thousand-year-old man who died of heart failure!" he exclaimed proudly.
"There is no way you could know these details,"insisted the curator."but bring it in,and we'll see."
A week later Jacob received a call from the museum."You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death,"the curator said."How did you arrive at these conclusions?"
"Well,"Jacob replied,"the man's right hand was clenched around a piece of paper that looked like a ticket.On it was written:"I bet 100 shekels on Goliath." Guy Jones