Jokes

Wife to husband:"Charlie,I am warning you about your hours.The night before last,you came home yesterday.Last night,you came home today.This evening,if you came home tomorrow,I won't be here." G.Y

Adam and Eve were in different parts of the Garden of Eden when the Lord commanded Adam to go and squeeze Eve's hand.
"What's a squeeze,Lord?"Adam asked.
The Lord explained,and Adam went and squeezed Eve's hand.Then the Lord told Adam to kiss Eve.Again,Adam was confused and asked for an explanation,which was given.And Adam went off and kissed Eve.
Then came the command for Adam to go forth and multiply.Before long,Adam was back."Lord,"he asked,"what's a headache?" L.B

A man was dragged to a concert by his wife.A half-hour after it began,he felt an elbow nudge him in th eside."What an outrage,"his wife murmured."The person in front of us is asleep!"
"You woke me up to tell me that?" Monique Putman

"when I die,"said the ruch old man bravely to his young wife,"I want you to get married again." "Don't talk that way,"she said.
"I want you to give him all my clothes so he can look great when he takes you out,"he said."Don't go on like this,"she cried."It's impossible." "Why impossible?" he asked. "Because," she explained,"you wear a size 14 shirt,whereas he would need at least a 17." A.T

Newlywed to his friend:"For the first week,I talked and my wife listened.The second week,she talked and I listened.Now we both talk,and our neighbours listen."

Heard the One About?
Jacob was digging a well in the Israeli desert and he discovered a casket containing a mummy.After examing the artifact,he excitedly called the curator of a museum in Jerusalem."I've found the body of a three-thousand-year-old man who died of heart failure!" he exclaimed proudly.
"There is no way you could know these details,"insisted the curator."but bring it in,and we'll see."
A week later Jacob received a call from the museum."You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death,"the curator said."How did you arrive at these conclusions?"
"Well,"Jacob replied,"the man's right hand was clenched around a piece of paper that looked like a ticket.On it was written:"I bet 100 shekels on Goliath." Guy Jones